I often dream of you. How do I know? I don’t know. But I know it’s you. And we’re going to be OK. One day when we meet, be it in this lifetime or the next. Or in the in between. We will know who we are even before we know how we feel. And you and I will remember all the times we met in those dreams. And the silver line that linked us elsewhere and kept us from staying together, forever, where time wasn’t exactly what it is right now; and going somewhere was only a matter of wishing to be there and we would be.
The moment I saw you, I knew you were my North. Nevertheless, I kept going south. I didn’t want us to be, because I wanted it too much. What really scared me was that I saw myself changing and when I looked at the mirror, I couldn’t recognise that girl anymore. You made me feel like a stranger in my own body. And that was terrifying.
Sometimes living is overwhelming. Simply existing is all we can do and it still drains our energy away. We feel stuck. Like we don’t belong and everything is wrong and what the hell are we doing here…
People come and go and we ask ourselves how can they do that? How can they live, smile and emanate this bright light as if darkness and self doubt never touched them. As if their life was filled with so much happiness and we wonder how can they be happy in a world like this… We compare.
Sometimes we can’t understand that there’s no easy way out, even to that person we think has got it easier. We don’t understand that we’re doing exactly what we hate when people do it to us: we’re judging them.
And you know, I don’t claim to understand life, the universe and everything in between. I’m so small. My soul is still so young. I’ve got so many lifetimes to live. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, one rule, one major truth, this one thing that is supposed to make it all worthwhile: we just need to love.
They say “go to a place you’ve never been before at least once a year”. I have. In 2016 I went inside myself. I haven’t ever been there. Not in this new configuration. Not with this mindset.
I have slowly and fearfully entered a territory that should have been known by me like the back of my hand. Like I know my house even when the lights are out. But I didn’t. I didn’t know the way or the main attractions or the shortcuts.
Since then I have gotten lost and frustrated. Many times. There’s no point in lying to you about this, it isn’t as easy as it seems. This “love yourself” thing is, in fact, harder than anything else I’ve ever tried. And I have tried a few things.
But honestly, there ain’t anything more worth it than this, either. It’s a bit of an adventure and every time I hit a wall I have to ask myself “why did I build this?” and “how do I go around it or tear it down?”.
I had to look at the ugly, but that’s the usual, we always tend to focus on that. What was really amazing was to look at the beauty. To see the good in me. To know I am full of good too. And to feel it, not just mentally know it but actually feel the good energy reverberating from inside.
It’s not a constant state of mind. I don’t think, in this life, it will ever be. But it’s a bit like meditation, I guess. First you try it for a few seconds. Then one minute. Then every single minute you can stay in that state is a plus.
I’m not looking for love anymore. I’ve grew tired throughout the years. And being very honest, I’ve lost a little of that shine in the eye and belief in the magic. There’s no sincere prince and the charmings are cute but untrustworthy.
I’m not looking for love anymore. I’m tired of the outside pressure that keeps repeating you’re not someone unless you’ve got someone. And being very honest with you, I’m tired of my own expectations.
I’m not looking for love anymore. That picture perfect relationship that will try to complete me and promise me happiness. “The one”. And being very honest with you, I don’t think that’s ever going to be possible.